We won't sleep together?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We have started to decorate penises.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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