In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
