I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize