Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
