if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize