Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Randomize
