I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
