i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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