we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
