worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
