At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
My life is pants optional.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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