She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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