Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
