Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
