I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
