We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
