I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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