Kiss
Puke
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
