Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize