Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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