before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I AM VODKA MAN
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
