I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
