my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
