Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
