Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
