I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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