if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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