I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
