Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
