walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
