Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize