I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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