How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
