I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
