i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
