Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i dont even know how to be here
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
