I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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