Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
