I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
