What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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