You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize