I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize