I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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