sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
