Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
