I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
