My room smells like vodka and shame
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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