This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
