I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize