New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So vagazzling was a success
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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