My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
