so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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