I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
