Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
