I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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