Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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