I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
