Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
