seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he puts the penis in happiness.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
