so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
