i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
