My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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