Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
