Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I have aggressive nipples.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
