just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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